By Coach B

Every time I turn on WWE, somebody’s walking to the ring.

Maybe I’m too old. Maybe it’s my attention span. Maybe I just don’t want to sing.

I don’t sing “Happy Birthday.” I mouth the words. I joined choir for one year in middle school because someone explained the male-to-female ratio to me, and because my gym teacher was kind of a dick. Then I learned I was tone deaf and mouthed “watermelon” repeatedly in every concert we ever did.

Through no fault of my choir teacher. He was a good man.

If you’re looking for Seth, Cody, Sami, or anyone whose entrance requires audience rehearsal, you’re going to be disappointed.

We all need a walk-out song. Wrestling, boxing, UFC. My ex-wife and multiple ex-fiancées have asked, “What are you thinking about right now?”

A troubling percentage of the time, entrance music.

“Full Clip” by Gang Starr would be a great choice. Teaching exposed me to a fair amount of music I thought I would hate that I don’t hate entirely.

You couldn’t use Tupac’s “Hit ’Em Up.” By the time they finished bleeping his grievances against a Mr. Biggie Smalls, you’d be walking out to a hearing test.

Any good rap battle is just two grown men writing poetry to each other. Something to remember next time somebody tells you the arts aren’t important.

You could go Rocky with “Gonna Fly Now.” “Bulls on Parade” by Rage Against the Machine. Any Rage Against the Machine, honestly.

Anyway, I haven’t researched this. I’m pulling it off the top of my head.

You’ll notice the rigorous standards shortly.

1. Stone Cold Steve Austin

When that glass broke, the Stone Cold pop was the realest thing on the planet.

He also didn’t take the entirety of the summer solstice to reach the ring.

The glass broke and Stone Cold came to open several cans of whoop ass. Nobody needed to finish a chorus first.

(Checking my notes...)

Yeah, we all loved it.

Probably nothing modern wrestling could learn from that.

2. The Undertaker

Another song you can’t sing along with.

Early Undertaker in particular. That gong hit and suddenly you were at a funeral you hadn’t agreed to attend.

I’ve heard wrestlers describe standing in the ring when it happened. They knew who he was. Knew what they were doing.

Still: “Damn, that’s The Undertaker.”

Mark Calaway lived the gimmick. The white face, the purple under the eyes, the sitting up. All of it worked.

Yes, he took forever getting to the ring.

He was dead.

What’s everybody else’s excuse?

3. The Road Warriors: “Iron Man”

The Road Warriors’ pop, accompanied by Black Sabbath and absolutely no concern for copyright law.

If you were one of the poor bastards waiting for Hawk and Animal, “Iron Man” meant the next few minutes were going to be a medical event.

At least it would be quick.

Three or four of the worst minutes of your life. Right up there with asking somebody to dance in middle school and being told they just wanted to be friends.

Always a weird response to “Do you want to dance?”

And friends never meant friends.

Friends meant, “I’m never going to speak to you again or make eye contact.”

Could’ve just said no, Jennifer. We didn’t need to establish a policy.

I originally had Ultimate Warrior here.

Moving him down a smidge.

4. Triple H: “The Game”

Whatever I think of Triple H’s booking, walking out at WrestleMania while Lemmy from Motörhead played his entrance live was badass.

I liked a lot of Triple H’s work, especially the hardcore matches with Mick Foley. Foley helped make him.

I never needed him as a face. Some people are meant to be told to go to hell, and he was excellent at giving the audience reasons.

I sometimes wonder if you gave Paul Levesque truth serum whether he’d rather just run an indie show in the middle of nowhere with a decent budget.

He clearly cares about wrestling.

Let him book something without worrying about shareholder value.

Let’s scootch Warrior back a bit.

5. CM Punk: “Cult of Personality”

I said no modern songs.

Punk gets a pass.

Long career, entertaining matches, and promos I pay attention to and give a damn about.

Fans can sing along, too.

Apparently none of my rules apply if I like the guy.

Warrior can wait in the hallway.

6. Roddy Piper: The Bagpipes

My dad tolerated my brother and me watching wrestling.

But he liked Roddy Piper.

“Well, that guy’s funny as hell. Come get me when he comes on.”

You didn’t need to understand wrestling to appreciate Piper. Half the time, understanding wrestling probably made it harder to appreciate what you were watching.

Piper was easy.

The bagpipes, the strut, that arrogant half-smirk. Or the times he genuinely hated somebody, like Mr. T, and you thought, “Yeah, this is going to be an actual fight.”

Not the biggest or the strongest.

Didn’t give a damn.

The bagpipes hit, and somebody was about to have a problem that couldn’t be settled politely.

7. Bret “The Hitman” Hart

That opening guitar squeal.

You knew who was coming, and you were probably getting a good match.

Jim Johnston deserves his own wing of the WWE Hall of Fame.

They’d have to build the rest of the place first, but still.

People complain that his themes sounded alike.

Oh, songs that got to the point, got fans excited, and then the wrestling started?

Yeah. He made a lot of those.

Do people enjoy wrestling, or watching people walk and sing?

Lord of the Rings was mostly walking, but at least they were trying to get somewhere.

I originally had Hogan here. Couldn’t justify putting Bret behind Hogan in any reasonable world.

Bret’s another guy I appreciated more as I got older and crankier. He’s made his money. Ask his opinion and you’re getting it, whether your question involved Bill Goldberg or not.

God forbid somebody had good matches, skipped the death-defying stunts, and kept his opponent safe.

Anyway, Bret gets seven.

Any complaints can go directly to him.

He’ll have some of his own.

8. Hulk Hogan: “Real American”

Warrior, further back.

You’re blocking the aisle.

“Real American” is iconic.

And nobody needed to sing it.

We cheered, he shook hands, and he got to the ring. Maybe his hips and back wouldn’t allow a longer entrance, but either way, we appreciated his time management.

Depending on which version of history the Hulkster was telling, he recorded it with Simon Cowell, Elton John, Rick James, Jim Croce, Rihanna, or Beethoven.

I’ve moved other people down for their personal choices.

The Hulkster qualifies there too.

9. Ric Flair: “Also sprach Zarathustra”

You hear it and wonder how that’s supposed to work as a wrestling entrance.

Then Flair comes out.

Oh, right.

The robe. The slow walk.

He wanted you to get a good look at something you couldn’t afford.

Flair took his time because being forced to look at Ric Flair was part of your problem with Ric Flair.

His social media is another matter.

There should probably be an age when somebody takes your accounts away.

Myself included.

At some point, all my outside contact will need to go through a responsible adult.

For everyone else’s good.

10. “Macho Man” Randy Savage: “Pomp and Circumstance”

Most people hear graduation music.

I’m waiting for a man in sunglasses to threaten somebody.

Macho took his time, especially with Miss Elizabeth beside him. You wanted to watch them get to the ring.

Nobody had to teach you your part.

Putting Macho Man tenth on any list feels low.

It does not diminish my deep affinity for his wrestling, his baseball career, his family’s wrestling lineage, or his brother Lanny’s apparent flexibility.

Honorable Mentions

• New Age Outlaws: “Oh, You Didn’t Know?” Discounted for the sing-along, which apparently matters only when I decide it does.

• The British Bulldogs. Coming to the ring with Matilda. More entrances should involve a dog.

• The Outsiders. That Jimi Hendrix-inspired WCW theme. Hall and Nash could make standing around look like a threat.

Ultimate Warrior

Started at number three.

Didn’t make the list.

When his music hit, people were on their feet. He sprinted to the ring and shook the ropes.

Usually the highlight of the match.

Unfortunately, that damn bell had to ring.

I watched a Bobby Heenan shoot interview where he talked about Warrior hurting his neck and the lasting problems it caused.

I’ll watch anything Bobby Heenan says or does.

Anybody who hurts Bobby has a problem with me.

And Gorilla Monsoon.

You’ve got a problem with all of us.

Add the misguided views, being a pain in the ass to work with, and Andre the Giant hating his guts.

If nothing else, you’re here for the petty grievances.

Actually, why are you here?

Rebuild the ranking’s internal logicMake the opening reach the list faster