By Coach B

I do as little research as possible before watching these episodes. It’s a point of pride, actually.

If I ever pick a dud of an episode, we are in this shit together. I share your disappointment and frustration in my inability to find something better.

IWA #9

Argentina Apollo & Luis Martinez vs. Frenchy Martin & Joe Turco

The episode kicks off with Jack Reynolds and Big Tex McKenzie, and the energy is awkward from the jump.

Tex absolutely looms over Jack. He gets about four inches from his face, grabs the back of his neck with a big grin, and announces: “You curly haired devil, you!”

It is important to note that Jack does not have curly hair. Wavy as a SOB? Sure.

Tex does not so much co-host a television program as stand near the camera and radiate the energy of a 300 pound, elderly golden retriever. He is either operating on a permanent three second delay, or he is simply thrilled to be indoors. Whatever the explanation, he does not understand the personal space rule.

At one point Tex announces his favorite wrestler and names both Argentina Apollo and Luis Martinez. Two favorites. Fine. It’s early.

Tex has already entered the category of person where I am terrified of what he is going to say next. He starts talking about Frenchy Martin’s tights and says they look like they came out of… then he pauses. During that split second, I honestly thought we were about to discover some unfortunate mid 70s phrasing that had somehow slipped through the YouTube algorithm. He went with “science fiction movie.” Then he laughed a real laugh, like he had been carrying that one around all week.

Argentina Apollo puts what Tex calls a “hold” on Frenchy Martin. If by “hold” you mean “completely shit whipped him directly onto his melon.” In real time it almost looks like a high school wrestling move. Then they show the replay, because apparently even in 1975 somebody in production understood they had just witnessed a potential homicide. Unless I am the dumbest mark alive, that was a terrific way to break a man’s neck.

Jack notes that Luis Martinez has too many holds for him to mention. He cannot name one. He does note that Luis Martinez has especially strong finger holds. Finger holds.

The referee is future NWA great Tommy Young, who is only 28 years old here. I felt guilty after looking that up, so I also checked on Jack Reynolds. I accidentally learned that Cleveland area native Joseph Rizzo used the name Jack Reynolds on television because he thought Rizzo sounded “too ethnic.” You know what? I am calling him Jack Rizzo now. If I keep calling him Jack Reynolds, I am part of the problem. Got your back, Rizzo.

The finish is an airplane spin and backbreaker happening simultaneously. It looked pretty cool. Frenchy spends the end of the match staggering around in a daze. Either he is a tremendous actor or his C4 vertebra is now dust.

The match was fine for the time. Frenchy avoiding paralysis and Tex reacting like he was seeing wrestling and television for the first time justify the hefty score.

Match Score: 3.7

Promo: George “Crybaby” Cannon & Eric the Red

George Cannon is wearing a blue softball batting helmet. You might be thinking, certainly that cannot be right. It is.

Then Cannon starts talking about Eric using his bone. And keeps saying “bone” far more often than any reasonable person should. Eric the Red is standing behind him, stroking his bone.

Cannon signs off with the bold declaration that they are no longer accepting ordinary victories by pinfall or submission. Only opponents stretchered out will count for Eric the Red from now on.

More entertaining than it had any right to be.

Segment Score: 7.0

U.S. Champion Bulldog Bob Brower vs. Joe Richards

I do love this era, where your body type be damned, you could just be a professional wrestler. Across from him is U.S. Champion Bob “The Bulldog” Brower, who looks less like a champion and more like someone who has been asked to leave three different VFW halls.

Brower’s championship belt appears to be a red velvet cummerbund with some metal on it. The picture just looks like shit.

Then Rizzo puts Tex on the spot. Joe Richards is from Texas. Tex is from Texas. Surely Tex can tell us something about this young man from Amarillo… Tex says he has seen him a few times and believes Richards has some “Indian… Indian blood.” That was his fact. He said it twice.

Brower wins with the Cobra hold. Post match, Rizzo announces that “Tommy Young has asked the champion for help reviving Joe Richards.” The same Joe Richards whose nose he just broke? Brower’s idea of medical assistance is dropping a knee on his head. Tommy Young was wildin’.

Match Score: 4.4

Mil Máscaras vs. Bobby Garcia

Picture a mid 1970s man weighing around 250 pounds named Bobby Garcia. That is exactly what he looks like.

Mil enters wearing a mask, which he removes to reveal another mask underneath. He is also introduced as the “Man of 1,000 Masks.” The IRS is absolutely asking why one man writes off 1,000 masks as “depreciable business assets.”

Then Tex gleefully offers: “Girls, Mil is single and drives a Mercedes Benz.” I am now fully committed to finding every available second of Tex McKenzie behind a microphone. He is out here soliciting ass on behalf of Mil Máscaras. I would not even call him a wingman. He is an appointment setter. Mil is the closer. Tex manages the top of the funnel.

Mil wins with two pretty cool flying forearms followed by an excellent backward dive off the top rope. The finish looked great. The rest of the match was two monkeys humping a football. Three out of ten monkeys humping a football feels mathematically fair.

Match Score: 3.0

Kurt Von Hess w/ Al Costello vs. Marshall Lewis

They do not even bother to show Marshall Lewis’s face. Poor bastard must be that ugly.

Kurt Von Hess is throwing what looks like real ass punches. Rizzo points out that Tommy Young is admonishing Von Hess for grabbing the tights, and I call shenanigans. We just watched Bulldog Brower use a chair outside the ring while Tommy stood there looking perplexed.

Kurt wins with the body press. He raises his hand with his fingers straight out enough times that, yeah, he is German and they are doing a thing. It was the 1970s. The match was not good, and the finger thing made me uncomfortable.

Match Score: 2.0

Dale Starr & Big Jim Wilson vs. The Love Brothers w/ Al Costello

Big Jim Wilson played for three NFL teams, then tried to organize a wrestlers’ union. Yeah. They were gonna shut that shit down quick.

The Love Brothers introduce themselves as “the world’s most exciting tag team duo,” I presume as a joke. If they lived next door, you would tell your kids they are not allowed to trick or treat there.

Rizzo keeps putting Tex on the spot. The Love Brothers attempt a double team suplex and just drop the guy on the back of his damn head instead. When asked what to call the move, Tex finally admits: “I don’t know what you call that move.” Simple man. Simple humor. Loves little spacemen. Holds a few other opinions we will describe as historically specific. Quit pressing Tex for information, Rizzo. Be cool.

The finish is the double hangman. They lift the guy up and drop his throat directly across the top rope. It looks gnarly. Sloppy, rough, and pretty unsafe. Kind of loved it.

Match Score: 4.8

Promo: Cowboy Bob Ellis & Tex McKenzie

Cowboy Bob Ellis and Tex are talking about forming a tag team together. For a second this is kind of sweet. Then Tex interrupts with “I gotta say something” and starts talking about Ernie Ladd turning on Cowboy Bob. We haven’t seen that yet. This promo is spoiling the main event.

Near the end, Rizzo starts making his earnest pitch for everyone to come see the IWA when it rolls into town. The segment ends on an off-center wide shot.

You are not gonna find that promo in any standard wrestling class. Do art teachers take kids on a field trip to the Sistine Chapel, point up and say, “See that? Your turn”? Hell no.

I understand I gave this interview a 4.7. Just know that history may judge me harshly for it.

Segment Score: 4.7

Cowboy Bob Ellis & Ernie Ladd vs. Bolo & Geeto, The Mongols w/ George “Crybaby” Cannon

Cowboy Bob is wearing cow print trunks, which feels very wrong.

Most of these guys look like if you stopped them on the street, “professional wrestler” would not be your first guess. The Mongols are fully committed though — haircuts, Fu Manchus, the whole bit. I’m in.

Ernie Ladd is six foot freaking nine and moves remarkably well for his size. Crybaby Cannon is very fat in the most complimentary heel manager sense possible. There is something uniquely uncomfortable about his dimensions.

The crowd isn’t constantly loud. It’s more of a hum. A Mongol reaches to interfere and the 30 fans closest to the ring lose their minds, then the rest of the crowd catches up in a wave. People reacted because it was still real to them, dammit.

Eventually Ernie turns on Cowboy Bob. Tommy Young gets knocked down. Tommy had this coming. George Cannon’s softball helmet also gets involved, and at this point I assume that thing is loaded with lead or Twix.

They disqualify both guys. Tex seems genuinely distraught. Now, at least, I understand why.

Match Score: 6.3

I had a good time! I know this promotion is short lived, but I am 100% watching the rest of these now.

If you want a ridiculous trip into 1975 wrestling where everyone looks vaguely employed, the rules are mere suggestions, and Tex McKenzie could say virtually anything at any moment, I do not know what else you need.

Overall Score: 6.8

Actual average is 4.49. If this is an issue, go stand by the copier.