By Coach B

Watching this episode took me right back. I was 13, in the middle of Michigan, and our local cable provider was a total disaster. Trying to explain it now sounds made up. Getting access to any new wrestling was a struggle, so anything that showed up after midnight felt like forbidden treasure.

I miss scrambled porn and softcore movies on the USA Network. I do not miss Real Sex on HBO. That fucking show. More than one night was wasted waiting for Real Sex only to see old people playing shuffleboard ass naked. Disgusting. Sure, it still got the job done, but disgusting.

Have you tried finding a digital copy of Bikini Carwash Company II lately? Impossible. And don’t send me the DVD link. They did a terrible job transferring it from VHS. You know how some people think The Godfather Part II is better than the original? A lot of us Carwash fans feel the same way.

Think I’m kidding? Check out this testimonial from fellow fan John J. Thomas III on Amazon back in 2012:

Bikini Car Wash Company - Amazon Reviews

“Also note that this is Bikini Carwash 2 the sequel to bikini carwash 1 which had mostly the same cast but I always thought the second one was the better one so I am happy it finally got released on DVD.”

Preach, brother.

And while you’re at it, this is a perfect opportunity to Google “Kristi Ducati.”

I’d seen ECW magazines at the local newsstand and heard all the rumors.

In ECW:

They set people on fire. (Kinda true, but that was more Cactus Jack in ’95.)

Chicks get naked. (Kinda true, or close enough when you’re 13.)

They have barbed wire matches. (Yep.)

Thinking about it now, ECW really did deliver the crazy shit on a regular basis. For those of us lucky enough to remember the pre-internet days, there was a real sense of wonder around smaller wrestling promotions.

This version of ECW wasn’t quite Extreme yet, but it already had the general vibe of Mickey’s Malt Liquor and “did somebody forget to pay the electric bill?”

That’s early ECW.

I didn’t know much about wrestling history yet, but I knew Terry Funk. I had his LJN figure as a kid, and I was pretty certain the man was out of his goddamned mind. I had never heard anyone talk like him before, with that unusual cadence and his voice jumping high and low within a second.

No one spoke like this:

Terry Funk Clip

If you’re on the fence about watching another clip, just know he references “crackers” and “Haitians” in this work of art from 1987.

ECW Wrestling, 1/4/94

1994 ECW Episode

0:00 - The very first shot is Kevin Sullivan in a lime green banana hammock and Nancy Sullivan in a white bikini.

Tone established.

What follows is 2:20 of highlights with seriously shitty canned music.

They definitely had better intro music than this, but Paul Heyman was probably violating copyright somewhere and playing songs without permission, so WWE left us with whatever the hell this is.

The package is kind of fun on mute, but you’ll get fooled three times thinking it’s ending.

It just keeps going.

(Modern wrestling: You guys like false finishes. We get it. Just end the match sometimes.)

2:20 - Joey Styles coming to us LIVE from Paul Heyman’s parents’ basement or possibly a warehouse.

I am a huge Joey Styles fan. Always have been.

I hear rumors he says some wild shit these days. I don’t know. At this point, I have decided I don’t give a fuck anymore about the human being making the thing I like. Anyone I admire has probably said or done some dumb shit.

As have I.

I wish this were a moral stand. Mostly I’m too tired to keep track.

Terry Funk Highlight Package

4:05 - The bastardized phrase goes, “Wrestling may not be real, but Terry Funk sure as hell is.”

As a former NWA World Champion and legendary redass, Funk brought immediate credibility to a fledgling company. His decades of violent wrestling fit perfectly with what ECW was becoming.

In a few short minutes we see Terry Funk:

• Cutting a promo on the first episode of ECW.

• In a Texas Chain Match.

• In a Bunkhouse Match involving a fucking scaffold 40 FEET HIGH. Definitely not, but it’s wrestling.

• Terry Funk and Jimmy “Probably a Murderer” Snuka.

And I am just now realizing this isn’t a normal episode of ECW Wrestling.

It’s a highlight show.

Huh.

Well shit.

You don’t need 3,000 words about the greatness of Terry Funk. You own eyes and a brain. You get it.

Terry Funk vs. Sabu
ECW Heavyweight Championship

16:40 - Sabu in ECW: human crash test dummy with a death wish.

“Hey, I wonder what happens if I land headfirst on this table?”

Smashes through table.

“Yep. Really fucking hurts.”

He’d dive off anything, through anything, and generally treat his body like a disposable meat sack. I’m pretty sure his medical records just say, “Consists of hamburger and sawdust. Do the best you can.”

Paul Heyman did an excellent job selling guys like Sabu and Taz as spectacles when they were really average-sized guys. Sabu comes to the ring in full Hannibal Lecter gear and completely sells the wild-man character.

Except Sabu also seems actually crazy.

He does a springboard moonsault that looks cool as shit, except he intentionally does it with no one there. We accept these moves as commonplace now, and they can feel rehearsed.

That is not the vibe with Sabu.

He gets as far as, “Look out, motherfucker!”

It’s between you and God after that.

An absolutely bonkers match, including “lights out” before wrestling ran that shit into the ground.

7.6/10 - An out-of-control, wild-ass brawl that delivers exactly what ECW promised. Sherri Martel shows up at the end as everything completely comes undone.

“The Roughneck” Mr. Hughes, with Jason, Highlight

28:15 - Mr. Hughes does a few power moves with shitty music in the background.

Weird nickname for a large Black man dressed in a suit, tie, and sunglasses.

2/10 - Moving on.

Pitbull / Chad Austin / Sandman Highlight Package

30:50 - I am trying to stay in the headspace of 1993 while watching an hour-long clip show with interviews sprinkled in. I’m enjoying the nostalgia, but this format gets exhausting.

Shane Douglas Promo / Highlight Package

34:15 - If you weren’t following ECW at this point, an episode like this would be confusing as shit. They are laying tons of track for the brewing feud between Terry Funk and Shane Douglas.

Then it finally clicked why this episode was throwing me.

It’s trying to do something different.

ECW isn’t really selling you this particular episode. It’s selling the promise that eventually you’re going to see something you’ve never seen before.

And a lot of times, they delivered.

Paul Heyman and Jason, Closing Promo

38:00 - It takes Heyman a minute to get warmed up, but when he does, look the hell out:

“You just remember one thing, I’ve never signed an autograph in my life, I never cared what anyone thought about Paul E. Dangerously, and I’m the dude who has to keep Sabu under control!”

Not that you needed an excuse to hear Paul Heyman cut a damn good promo, but there you go.

Overall: 6.4/10

I should have vetted this one beforehand. It was still fun and a nice trip back, but it’s more refresher course than regular episode.

What I did enjoy was seeing the pieces already sitting there: Terry Funk as the violent old prophet, Sabu as the lunatic attraction, Joey Styles making the whole thing credible, and Paul Heyman figuring out how to make a small, dark, weird promotion feel dangerous.

Like something you weren’t supposed to be watching.

For 13-year-old me, that was more than enough.