By Coach B

When I started writing these, it gave me a chance to learn more about my own wrestling fandom. I asked my mom how I became a fan, and she said it was because my dad and brother watched it. Like most younger brothers, I wanted to be like my older brother, so that tracks.

He was already into Roddy Piper and Ric Flair while I was still deep in Hulkamania. Then I got older and started to see what he saw in Flair. The man could talk his ass off, had the look, had the women, and had the MATCHES. Did he repeat a lot of the same spots? Yes. It also drew millions of dollars for decades, so maybe shut up.

As we’ve gotten older, our fandoms have faded in and out, but we always come back to the greatness of “Nature Boy” Ric Flair.

I had this text exchange with my older brother yesterday:

Him: I may watch the Royal Rumble this year.

Me: Rumble is always a good one. I thought about doing a column on the 1992 Rumble, but it would just be me whacking off Flair and Heenan for 3,000 words.

Him: I would still read it.

That is how we arrived here. I don’t feel the need to dedicate this one to him because any of these I write, I imagine I am talking to my brother anyway. If I make a joke, it’s something I think we would laugh at. In reality, these are all written for him.

I LOVE battle royals, all of them. The shittier and more random, the better. I heard Gallows and Anderson refer to the Royal Rumble as a “chop meat” festival because of the limited skill set, and I get that. For me, though, this Rumble was different, which is also why I think it stands the test of time.

The 1992 Royal Rumble was the story of two men: Ric Flair and Bobby Heenan

This entire thing will mostly be about Flair, and rightfully so, but this may be peak Bobby Heenan on commentary. It’s hard because anything you write about Heenan won’t come close to doing the man justice. To call him “great” doesn’t feel like nearly enough.

I went to my coaching default and thought, “Okay, if I were coaching Bobby Heenan, what would I tell him to be better at?”

I have no suggestions.

When he was younger, Bobby wrestled his ass off and bumped all over the country in a weasel suit. His mouth and promos drew crowds, and white heat, for decades before we saw him here in 1992. He had a comedic gift that could have landed him regular work in Hollywood.

Here’s how I know Bobby Heenan was an amazing actor: I still often forget that he’s not a real person. His name was Ray. He had a wife and daughter, and from all accounts, lived a nice, quiet life.

Anything I write here will come up comically short trying to explain the brilliance of the man.

1992 Royal Rumble

I am not covering every elimination because we both have better things to do with our time. I am covering these in blocks of five, with comments about each guy and a Flair-o-Meter update throughout.

1992 Royal Rumble

1. British Bulldog - I am here for all things British Bulldog as a kid and now. He looks fantastic here.

2. Ted DiBiase - I was one of those fans who didn’t realize he was a massive draw before coming to WWF to become one of the greatest gimmicks ever.

3. Ric Flair - Massive mark for vintage Ric Flair, and for me, this is near the top of his career matches. Even that definition doesn’t fit here because of the format.

4. Jerry Saggs - A legit tough guy who looked and lived the gimmick. Fun elimination.

5. Haku - Arguably one of the scariest humans alive in his day, or any other day. My sole criterion here is that he once bit someone’s nose off. There are plenty of other reasons he is scary, but that is the best one.

0:00 - After the intros, we start off with a shocker I don’t remember: the British Bulldog eliminates the Million Dollar Man before the third wrestler enters.

Bobby Heenan immediately begins to panic: “Who’s #3? How much more time do we have?”

If you want to know when to start listening to Bobby on commentary, this is a good time. That had to be a nice payday for DiBiase, right? Show up, wrestle for three minutes, and collect a nice check.

5:18 - Long shot down the aisle and as soon as Flair appears, Bobby yells, “NO! DAMMIT!” Mr. Perfect is in tow. Gorilla Monsoon begins needling Bobby: “No one has ever drawn numbers one through five and been there at the end!”

Needless to say, The Brain is rattled.

Heenan: “I’m going to have to apologize to the people. I don’t think I can be objective.”

Monsoon: “When have you ever been objective!?”

Flair-o-Meter: 7/10: It is always impressive to watch the British Bulldog power-press Flair for reps while the crowd rightfully loses its shit. Bobby Heenan, meanwhile, is in considerably worse shape over on commentary. He is living and dying with every punch Ric Flair takes, while Gorilla Monsoon gleefully cackles through the emotional collapse of his real-life best friend and on-screen antagonist.

(Also, if you’re an ’80s/’90s wrestling fan and haven’t read Dynamite and Davey: The Explosive Lives of the British Bulldogs, do yourself a favor and track it down. Buy it on Amazon or hit up your local library. You remember libraries. Municipal buildings full of books, broken drinking fountains, and homeless bathroom sex.)

6. Shawn Michaels - All-timer, glad to see he isn’t a douche anymore.

7. Tito Santana - Tito appreciates all of the Cameos being ordered. He is a good sport, but he didn’t know what a Brony was.

8. Barbarian - Not as scary as Haku, but he looked like a million bucks back in the day. He’s not great, but the power-move skillset is electric at times.

9. Kerry Von Erich - Modern-day warrior. Such a sad story. Go see The Iron Claw if you haven’t. It’s good, but once is plenty for that movie.

10. Repo Man - “Reep, reep, REPO MAN!” So stupid, and only five more years of these “real-life job” wrestlers coming from Vince McMahon.

11:35 - Shawn Michaels does not win the Royal Rumble, nor does he have a particularly long run, but he is flying all over the damn place in the short time he gets. This era of HBK is probably my favorite from a pure wrestling standpoint.

Heenan: “Back off, Ric! I’m getting dizzy! Get me something to drink, something with a kick!”

Honestly, you could simply listen to this Rumble and enjoy it on the strength of Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon alone.

Monsoon: “Kiss your meal ticket goodbye!”

Heenan: “Ric, STAY DOWN!”

A few minutes later, Tito smashes HBK’s head into the turnbuckle.

Heenan: “I’d do that to my grandmother if I had to!”

This is effin' gold. 

Flair-o-Meter: 8/10 -I don’t want any shit about this being a slow period in the match for Naitch, okay? This is a big, sweaty marathon, and the man needs to pace himself. It’s not like the action stopped for Flair when the Rumble ended that night. I hope he celebrated this major life achievement as one should: by having a hot blonde stewardess sit on his face.

11. Greg Valentine — Met him at a convention once. He didn’t say much, nor did he seem especially happy to be there. Which, honestly, felt right.

12. Nikolai Volkoff — My issue with non-Russian Russian wrestlers is well-documented, but I am counting Nikolai Volkoff. Croatia counts for me. I liked him as a kid, even when he was a heel. Does that make me a commie?

13. Big Boss Man — A wildly talented guy who I learned to appreciate mostly from listening to Jim Cornette. This gimmick worked because Ray Traylor had actually been a prison guard. Turns out people like believable things. Weird.

14. Hercules — Another muscle-and-power-move guy I always enjoyed watching. I pulled up the medical dictionary, and it says here that Hercules was “jacked to the tits on steroids.”

15. Roddy Piper — Yet another all-time great, and a favorite in my family. It goes back to being believable, tough, and engaging on promos, and Piper nails all of it. He looks great here. He must have been hanging out with Hercules.

21:50 - The Brain is listing off all the world champions in the ring, and for once, he is telling the truth. We are officially in the “Rumble” portion of the match, where there is a bunch of shit happening at once and everything becomes slightly harder to follow.

• Call the Repo Man gimmick an abortion if you will, but Barry Darsow committed to that shit. He’s outside the ring, hiding after being eliminated. You know, because he repossesses cars for a living. Have you really lived until you’ve had to return some shit you couldn’t pay for? I say not.

• Roddy Piper comes in as a house of goddamned fire. Piper is another reminder of how stacked the WWF roster was at this point.

Flair-o-Meter: 7/10

Now he is getting warmed up, and by that, I mean exhausted. I find it hard to believe he is already tired at this point, but maybe he was out drinking until 3 p.m. the day before.

Part 1 Overall: 9/10

I am breaking this up because I know what is coming, and no one wants to read this many words in a row, consecutively. I am a slow reader, so that is a substantial time investment.

Thus far, this was better than I remembered. I also watched the 2025 Royal Rumble last Sunday and loved it. I was afraid recency bias would hurt my viewing experience, but it has not. I could gush, and I will continue to do so, but go watch this. If it has been over a year, throw it on a second screen while you’re doing other shit.

Or not. Always a real option.