By Coach B

Mid-South Wrestling was on a heater in 1984. When I read that this episode had the Midnight Express and the Junkyard Dog, it was all over. My expectations were unreasonable, which is usually how this starts.

This takes place at the Irish McNeil Boys Club in Shreveport, Louisiana. Small building, loud ring, real crowd, and the general sense that someone could get punched near a folding chair at any moment. I grew up on a steady diet of WWF and am just now taking a deeper look into the territories, which is another way of saying there are embarrassing gaps in my knowledge. Bear with me.

Here is my thing on match ratings. It’s like the Olympics. A 10 is perfect. And in any given event, 10s are given. They might look different, but it’s a 10. So when Dave Meltzer decides to break the standard match rating, it becomes meaningless. Imagine an Olympic score of 10.1. It looks stupid.

1984 Mid-South Wrestling, Episode #256

0:00 - Groovy as shit. It’s pretty good when you remember a guy probably named Geoff played actual keyboards on that intro. He practiced. He probably thought, “This is my big break.” What technology was available if Geoff didn’t step up and nail this thing? An empty Pringles can and a computer the size of a bathroom?

Intro: Jim Ross and Joel Watts

0:40 - I am here for all of young Jim Ross on the mic. Jesus, he was great. I have such vivid memories of ol’ JR because I was a teenager during the Attitude Era. In the Attitude Era, it was all over the goddamned place every Monday, and JR was turned up to simmering Okie red-ass at all times. The 1984 version of him is so smooth and effortless. He’s talking to us, not at us. In a few minutes, he has an argument with Steve “Dr. Death” Williams that is believable. Jim Ross is in his early 30s here, and for me, these next five years are his sweet spot.

Jesus, Joel.

Okay, I did see him blink. Thank God. He freaked me out for a second. I will reserve judgment because JR just told us Joel put that groovy-ass intro together. Nepotism or not, Joel Watts is a team player. And he knows Geoff, obviously.

He’s telling us about the main event: The Midnight Express vs. JYD and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. See? Hacksaw totally works with this beefy son of a bitch. I wouldn’t describe Joel as “excited” here. More “earnestly pleading for your viewership.”

Hey, Bill Watts deserves tons of credit for not forcing his marginally talented son down our throats as a wrestler here. Three cheers for Bill.

“Hip, hip, hor... aw shit, Erik Watts is eventually coming.”

Segment: Bill Watts Medal Recap

1:32 - Bill Watts talks like he doesn’t know how commas work.

“Ya know when I was watching my favorite sport... wrestling on the Olympics.”

I am probably the last person who should be judging grammar. Moving on.

Bill Watts does not play games and is built like a goddamned Port-a-John. He is pissed about some bullshit that happened in the 136-pound division of “wrestling on the Olympics.” At this point, he connects this Olympic event to a TV Title medal that once belonged to Terry Taylor.

I will be honest, I got kind of confused there for a minute. It’s odd that my brain immediately accepts medals for Olympic wrestling but rejects the idea for pro wrestling.

3:55 - I love me some “Dr. Death” Steve Williams, and even though he is no longer with us, I fear a spiritual ass-whoopin’. With that said, one could imply he gave Terry Taylor a bullshit, weak-ass headbutt into the ring post.

Again, not me. Others felt that way. Not a sentiment I share.

After showing a short video package, the outcome: Dr. Death Steve Williams gave the medal back to Terry Taylor because Bill Watts said so.

That was definitely an ending.

I know a bigger, better feud is coming.

Rocky Smith vs. “Hercules” Hernandez, with James E. Cornette

8:10 - On a base level, don’t we all wanna slug young Jim Cornette? I mean, it’s the best, but even when I love it, there is part of me that gets the pure white heat he would draw as he seasoned with time.

Fuck you, I am not saying anything unkind about Cornette. Total ass kiss.

Also, Hercules is jacked to the gills. He had to have been on a cocktail of gas. Weird stance I have: go ahead, do steroids, live your life. We can drink ourselves to death, but this is the line we draw? We have a short time here. Let’s see some cool shit.

Kevin Nealon on the All-Drug Olympics - SNL

9:30 - Young Jim Cornette has decided to grace Jim Ross with his presence for commentary during this match. Ross, the ungrateful Sooner, doesn’t seem thrilled. Corny starts off hot, bragging about Hercules’s Mongolian finisher, The Shinanomachi. It is actually Shinni-nu-maki, per WrestlingClassics.com. Well, look at me learning shit. That wasn’t on the Bingo card.

Either way, it is a cool-looking finisher when performed by Hercules.

5.7/10 - A squash match that gets an unreasonable bump because Hercules looked great and young Cornette is on commentary. Also, I like squash matches.

Bill Watts Interview with Sonny King

13:00 - Sweet lord, Bill Watts likes to give speeches. This big bastard is gonna give you a geopolitical lesson, then tell you to stop being a pussy. You’d buy a timeshare from Bill Watts, as would I. Not like we would have a say in the matter.

Also, Bill Watts has never heard of the “rule of three” when using examples. He’s more of an “I am gonna bludgeon you with examples until you admit defeat in an argument you didn’t know you were having” kind of fella.

The footage of the attack on Sonny King is something. Maybe it is the age of the footage, but it feels real. On a second watch, I listened to the crowd. No one is booing. What you hear instead: screams, high-pitched squeals, and a low hum of rage.

It was real to those people, dammit.

Me too.

15:40 - A cool promo from Sonny King, which seems on point for him. It kind of makes sense, but Sonny is wearing the shit out of those sunglasses, cowboy hat, and boots. He probably can’t wrestle for shit. I have no idea.

Bob Owens & Tim Horton vs. The Fantastics, Tommy Rogers and Bobby Fulton

19:00 - Alright, we need more wrestlers like Bob Owens. Older than you think, kind of lumpy all over.

Now that’s off my chest.

The Fantastics: how fucking OVER are these sons of bitches? Holy hell. You roll out in what many would call a bold choice of attire, even by 1984 standards, and it couldn’t matter less. ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man” is blaring and the mating calls are being thrown out by women in the crowd.

My brain has no concept of what it would be like to have that kind of female attention everywhere I went. Rough estimate: how many single mothers were created, territory-wide, in 1984 Mid-South, roster-wide? No crazy guesses, but is 10 an unthinkable number?

I always heard the Fantastics were good, but shit man, wow. I am looking forward to a deep dive.

Also, I love how loud the ring is, but again, it feels real. Tommy Rogers with the win over Tim Horton. I actually worked with a guy named Tim Horton, not the donut guy. That guy was a dick.

4.8/10 - A fair score because Bob Owens takes pride in what he does. Also, the Fantastics effin’ rule.

“Dr. Death” Steve Williams vs. Rick McCord

22:10 -

“Alright Rick, we got a match for you tonight.”

“Great! Who do I wrestle?”

“Dr. Death.”

“Shit.”

Assuming Dr. Death was very safe with his opponents, this still had to hurt, no? Make fun of his jacket if you will, but Rick McCord got more ass than a toilet seat.

Young Dr. Death is an absolute wagon of a specimen. I’ve coached long enough to know that a human being that big, strong, and athletic does not come around often.

Goddamn you, Brawl for All.

4.0/10 - Doc wins with the Stampede finisher, which means Rick McCord won’t shit right for a week.

Mid-South Tag Team Title, No Disqualification Match
The Midnight Express, Bobby Eaton & Dennis Condrey, champions, vs. Jim Duggan & The Junkyard Dog

25:05 - Look at snazzy-ass Boyd Pierce. Sonny King could also pull this look off. Boyd is out there old and white but taking big fashion swings.

Respect.

On the surface, it would appear to some that Corny is bribing his charges before this match. In reality, these young men needed money for the Scholastic Book Fair at school.

James E. Cornette: philanthropist.

“The number one cause of divorce in America today... Loverboy Dennis Condrey and Beautiful Bobby Eaton! The Midnight Express!”

This intro music cooks for the Midnight Express. I love it every time.

And just when you think, “Well, I have been thoroughly rocked. Time for the match,” nope. “Another One Bites the Dust” hits and you know the Junkyard Dog is coming. The saying is that some people just have “it,” while acknowledging it’s hard to define.

Well, whatever “it” is, JYD has it in metric tons.

28:50 - Joel Watts seems like a nice guy who is trying real hard. I am officially rooting for him.

How damn good is Dennis Condrey here? I keep noticing his facial expressions. He is registering everything that is happening to him. He also works because he doesn’t look too polished. He’s a decent-sized dude, 6 feet, 250 pounds, who is in good shape, but I like that he’s not jacked. He looks like a man not to be trifled with, but not a goddamn male model. He looked like a tough guy because he was a tough guy.

Who are you taking in a bar fight: any bodybuilder or prime Dennis Condrey?

Exactly.

This ring “be ratchet as fuck,” as my students would say. But it’s great, swaying all over the goddamn place. I am here for it.

I have been watching way too much modern wrestling. It really hits here because there are no “spots,” if that is the right word. I never got the sense Bobby Eaton and Jim Duggan worked this shit out ahead of time. It really winked at me while watching this match.

32:30 - Start watching now. Some wild shit is about to go down in the next few minutes. I’m not gonna ruin it for you.

BANANAS.

Seriously, do it.

Waiting.

RIGHT?

How much fun was that shit?

8.9/10 - Not apologizing for it. For a TV segment, that was epic. It’s like a really good dirty movie. It ain’t winning an Oscar, but it hits all the fun parts. This match and the following promo from Cornette are magic. It honestly might be higher.

Buddy Landel & Krusher Kruschev vs. The Pretty Young Things, Koko Ware & Norvell Austin

37:20 - What in the actual fuck? There’s a match after THAT?

Poor bastards.

37:21 - Fuck me, I take it all back. The Pretty Young Things are funky as hell.

Man, this is all great. Young Koko was yoked up. If you gotta show someone a really good five-minute match, you’d show this, right? Lots of action, and a small window of time to get you invested.

And then the finish? You’ve got the bell ringing, Jim Ross hollering, people screaming, and then boom.

Cuts to the outro music.

Whew.

I need a cigarette.

6.9/10 - It was kind of great. Almost no time, and these dudes come out hot. I’m still smiling.

Overall: 8.5/10

I initially thought I picked this one out of thin air, but after watching it, there’s no fucking way I am seeing this for the first time. If someone says this is an all-timer hour of professional wrestling on Mid-South, I would 100% believe you.

Carve out a few minutes and watch this one.

I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. You’re probably an adult.