by Coach B

I grew up in the Midwest, but never saw much of the AWA product because it was already on the way out. I saw WWE’s The Spectacular Legacy of the AWA documentary, and like most of what they churn out, it’s well-produced and just kind of blah. After watching this episode, though, maybe the production team nailed it.

The AWA used to be on ESPN in the mid-1980s, and we were better people because of it. I would pay an extra $6 a month so that every time Stephen A. Smith appeared, a random “AWA on ESPN” match showed in his place. Yeah, you won’t know shit about current sports, but your expert knowledge of Larry “The Axe” Hennig will be a panty-dropper.

I will make fun of Minnesota a few times out of jealousy. It’s a nice place.

1981 AWA All-Star Wrestling

I do as little research as possible before watching these episodes. It is a point of pride, actually.

So if I pick a dud, we are in this shit together.

AWA Tag Team Title Bout, 2 out of 3 Falls: “The High Flyers” Greg Gagne and Jimmy Brunzell (c) vs. Mickey Shannon & Butch Shoal

We get the full classic AWA introduction, and it feels like 1971.

You can tell the graphics budget was tight, but then again, what if this was top-of-the-line shit?

Do you know who was not in charge of this operation?

Joel Watts.

This outdated shit would not fly with JW ruling the production truck with an iron fist.

I am going out on a limb, but we are not going to three falls here.

Not to say Butch and Mickey cannot compete.

Yeah, I can say that.

They are two early-1980s wrestlers who look exactly like their names are Mickey and Butch.

I am not saying AWA wrestlers from this period did not work out. I am sure many of them did.

They just never invited these two.

I would say this style of wrestling feels “real,” but I have been in fights and wrestled before.

This feels like neither.

It is painfully slow.

Jimmy Brunzell nails a sweet dropkick to get the pin, and it is the only highlight so far.

After the commercial break, we return for the second fall.

I wonder what is going to happen.

This gets a little better, but the match has a very slow, deliberate pace. Unfortunately, it is starting to remind me of the handful of other AWA matches I have watched.

This may be less of an isolated incident and more of a house style.

Greg Gagne wins with the sleeper hold!

It was not as exciting as that exclamation point would lead you to believe.

Greg Gagne is not bad at all, despite the obvious nepotism. I would rather watch Greg wrestle than his dad, Verne.

I came into this prepared to shit on Greg Gagne, but he is perfectly fair-to-middling.

He did not have much of a physique, but from the evidence available, neither did most of the promotion.

**Match Score: 3.5**

Remember in 2006 when the Iron Sheik threatened to humble B. Brian Blair by sodomizing him?

Well, Jim Brunzell was Blair’s future tag partner, and Sheiky never threatened to rape Brunzell.

That should count for something.

Probably a lesson in humility.

**Gene Okerlund Promo with Hulk Hogan & Johnny Valiant**

You can already see that Hogan is going to be a fucking star.

The promo skills are developing, but the look is already money, especially in this era.

Gene Okerlund is excellent, as always.

If you have already seen this, it is worth another watch.

If this is your first time, you are welcome.

**“Dizzy” Ed Boulder vs. George “Scrap Iron” Gadaski**

It is Ed “Brutus Beefcake” Leslie, and he is built like a goddamn tank.

He is going by “Dizzy,” which, after extensive research, remains a terrible fucking name.

When your best friend is wrestling superstar and Spanish-American War veteran Hulk Hogan, you should be able to negotiate something better than Dizzy.

Sometimes I am typing along here, high on Mount Edible, when I realize I am a fucking moron.

I watched the ENTIRE match thinking:

*“Wow, I know this is old footage, but Brutus is barely recognizable. He looks completely different.”*

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

Oh, yeah.

He had to have his entire face rebuilt after a parasailing accident.

Side note: I have had three chances to parasail in my life, and every time it has been a hard pass.

Why?

Brutus Beefcake.

You can see what promoters saw in young Ed Boulder:

6’4”.

Around 260 pounds.

Blond.

Muscular.

Best friends with Hulk Hogan.

Who gave a shit if he could wrestle?

Considering he was only a few years into his career, young Brutus was solid. Sure, the style and tempo will hurt your feelings, but he looked great.

Dizzy “Brutus” Boulder wins with a full nelson that somehow looks goofy and painful at the same time.

A rare feat.

**Match Score: 3.7**

Slightly higher than it should be because I had forgotten about the “Face-Off” Ed Leslie era and how physically impressive he looked.

**Baron von Raschke vs. Ricky Young**

Really interesting crowd reaction for Baron von Raschke.

Obviously not Ricky Young.

Nobody cared about him.

Baron comes out in a black hooded robe with a shaved white head and a menacing claw, and the crowd goes wild.

Relatively speaking.

This is Minnesota, after all.

Minnesotans have three modes:

Friendly.

Drunk.

Asleep.

They are not an excitable people.

Von Raschke is still alive at 84 years old and would put me in the hospital if he decided the afternoon required it.

The referee’s shirt is also two sizes too small.

Baron is only 41 here but could pass for his early 60s without much difficulty.

This is such a great gimmick. The look, the goose steps, the claw.

I am an adult who understands professional wrestling, and I still watched this thinking:

*“I get the Baron von Raschke gimmick and all, but I remain slightly concerned.”*

I am all in.

From all appearances, Ricky Young took a world-class ass-kicking.

I am sure the family was proud.

Baron wins with the claw and refuses to release it while the bell keeps ringing.

The fans do not give a single shit about Ricky Young or the rules.

These folks were friendly.

Probably drunk.

**Match Score: 4.1**

Wanna see a scary grown man assault a hefty gentleman?

Right this way.

**Handicap Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Sonny Rogers & Name Literally Not Mentioned**

Ring announcer Al DeRusha is on the struggle bus.

He is messing up hometowns, forgetting names completely, and fumbling his words.

It is a clusterfuck out there.

Wait.

He is drunk, isn’t he?

HOGAN IS MASSIVE.

He is listed at 6’8” and 340 pounds.

Those are probably not accurate numbers, given both the person and the profession. But let’s say he was “only” 6’6” and 320 pounds and still showed up looking like that.

Holy hell.

Hogan does the usual handicap-match spots with these two buttholes, but it is 100 percent magic.

We eventually learn that Sonny Rogers’ partner does indeed have a birth name:

Chuck Greenlee.

I tried to research the mother Chucker, and the first thing I found on a fan board said:

*“Smelled like a billy goat.”*

That concluded the investigation.

Hulk Hogan has never been known for his athleticism, other than that time Knute Rockne offered him a full scholarship to Notre Dame, but he had to turn it down to rule Inner Mongolia.

More than once during this match, Hogan looks fairly fluid for a fella his size.

His skill set does not vary too much, but he does just enough to win.

And because this is the internet, here is your completely unnecessary reminder that Milton Berle was reputed to have an enormous penis.

Didn’t have Milton Berle’s cock on your Daily Life Bingo card, did you?

I enjoyed seeing early Hulk Hogan and the beginnings of a true megastar.

My childhood needed this.

**Match Score: 5.5**

Good time. Hogan wins with a double bear-hug submission.

Worth checking out.

**Nacho Barrera vs. Tito Santana**

Tito is back.

Two weeks in a row.

Well, I heard back from Tito’s people.

They are pissed.

Despite me politely asking you not to request butt stuff from Tito on Cameo, apparently that is exactly what happened.

Listen, Tito is going to honor your request for butt stuff, but only because he is a man of his word.

It is $15.

You can probably swing that.

Young Tito had it going on. He was a good worker with a great look.

We learn Tito played for the Kansas City Chiefs, which makes me hate that three-ring circus approximately one percent less.

He cuts a fired-up promo, although English was not his strongest suit.

He was so damn athletic that it is easy to imagine him thriving in modern professional wrestling.

Nacho Barrera is built like a butt plug, but he works well with Tito here.

I was older than I should have been when I learned Nacho was a normal male first name in Hispanic culture.

I was a brand-new teacher trying very hard not to be offensive, and I thought one of my students was using some kind of slang nickname.

We had a quasi-“Who’s on First?” exchange.

> **Me:** “What name do you go by?”

>

> **Student:** “Nacho.”

>

> **Me:** “Are you okay with being called that?”

>

> **Student:** “Are you asking if I am okay with being called by my name?”

>

> **Me:** “Yes. Is there something else I should call you?”

>

> **Student:** “Umm, also Nacho.”

For the next two years, he was known as “Also Nacho.”

He loved it.

**Match Score: 4.1**

As television matches from this era go, this was certainly one of them.

I enjoyed seeing a young Tito Santana more than I enjoyed the match itself.

These matches are a fun reminder that dropkicks used to mean something.

**Gene Okerlund Promo: Adrian Adonis & Jesse Ventura**

Jesse Ventura is firing on all cylinders here.

Jesus.

This is awesome.

It is worth clocking in just to watch Jesse work this promo.

He says Hulk Hogan has “blubber arms,” and it made me laugh out loud.

Then, out of nowhere:

ANDRE THE FUCKING GIANT.

Adrian is saying something I am not paying attention to and then BAM.

There is the big man.

Andre cuts a short promo about a battle royal.

I think he wants to be in it.

Pretty sure he plans to win.

I pieced most of that together through context clues.

You’ll see.

It is an 18-man battle royal at the Oakland Coliseum Arena.

I’ll take Andre.

You can have the other 17.

**Overall Score: 4.9**

This started slowly, but the episode picked up steam as it went along.

It is easy to call these people “stars” with the benefit of hindsight, but holy shit, look at this lineup:

* Andre the Giant

* Jesse Ventura

* Adrian Adonis

* Johnny Valiant

* Baron von Raschke

* Chuck Greenlee

* Hulk Hogan

* Gene Okerlund

* Jim Brunzell

* Brutus Beefcake

* Tito Santana

A true who’s who of 1980s professional wrestling.

I love the power move of dropping Andre at the very end of the episode just to promote the big event in Oakland.

You sit through Mickey and Butch moving at the speed of refrigerated gravy, and your reward is Andre the Giant appearing like a building that learned to speak.