By Coach B

1986 Memphis Wrestling - 1/4/86

0:00 - I had seen clips of him over the years, but Lance Russell is one magnificent son of a bitch. Dave Brown is riding shotgun here, and I found out he was also the local weatherman. That is honest to God impressive.

Don’t shit on weathermen either. I won’t have it. Our local guy was Keith Thompson. He’s a good man. People say, “Oh, they’re just guessing.”

You and I wouldn’t know shit about the weather without our phones. We would be staring at the sky like a bunch of smooth-brained dolts. When Keith started, this job was actually hard. He had to know some real atmospheric shit. He was probably out there sweating over a protractor and a wind sock.

Rick Casey Promo Package

1:25 - I go into one of these with certain expectations for a wrestling promo.

• Wrestlers? Yes.

• Ring? Sure.

• Multiple camera shots of horseback riding?

I’ll warn you, it’s jarring when you first see it.

And then you think, “Do they have the balls to cut to the horseback riding AGAIN during this?”

Son of a bitch, they do.

Then you start to wonder, “They wouldn’t dare. Nobody goes three horseback-riding clips in a wrestling promo.”

I’ll be goddamned, they do.

Well, at least this should be coming to a logical conclusion any second here...

Then we get Rick Casey behind an American flag, which is an awesome way to sign off.

Followed by Rick throwing up the metal horns.

Alrighty.

Next, we get a toddler also throwing up the horns.

What happens next won’t sound real, and honestly, I wouldn’t have believed me either. We get what looks like Rick Casey humping the air for a few seconds. Smash cut to Rick Casey and that toddler in the park riding those giant metal spring animals.

Read that sentence again.

The train has left the tracks. I’m numb.

Okay, well that was something. I’m sorry, what’s that?

You wanted a fourth horseback-riding clip?

Well buckle up, you’re in luck.

This video hostage situation will not fucking end. A clip of Casey eating a piece of straw? Sure, why the hell not.

• A jug marked “XXX”?

• A can of Skoal in his back pocket?

• A giant spring-loaded playground animal?

Only one of those is made up. I’m not telling you which.

I know Lance mentioned who it was beforehand and put up a graphic first. Still. You can’t just blindside a modern audience with 1986 Rick Casey.

2:44 - I’ve been noodling on this video for a minute, trying to make sense of it all, and then I realized it’s a case of Occam’s razor: the simplest answer was the correct answer.

Every person involved was on enough cocaine to hear colors.

Rick Casey vs. The Invader

3:45 - The crowd stands out to me right away. They’re quiet, but I don’t think it’s boredom. It took me a beat to realize they were paying attention.

The crowd does get fired up here in a minute, but you get the sense they make you work for it.

I always love seeing a big masked wrestler like The Invader. But how do you pick up appreciative female fans if you’re wearing a mask? You’d probably have to bang her in the mask to prove it, wouldn’t you?

4.5/10 - To me, a match like this is fine. Not a bad score. Rick Casey can move around well and definitely has a look.

Rick Casey will get you pregnant. Or take you on a horseback ride. Probably both.

Okay, both.

8:25 - The “Ha-ok” from Lance Russell at the beginning slays me. Said like a man who is going to plow through this shit for the 712th time.

Lance is the best. I love the way he shakes his head in disbelief at the upcoming card:

“I gotta tell ya, folks, I can’t fucking believe the card this coming Tuesday.”

Obviously, Lance didn’t say fuck. But is it really a stretch? The man enjoyed a Cutty Sark pop or two during an event. He had to have dropped a few f-bombs on air.

And guess what? He was a World War II veteran who served our country in Europe. I’d be a little upset if I found out he was sober.

9:12 - Dutch Mantel is back, thank God. I want to think I pick these episodes at random, but I realized today that’s not true. YouTube has listened to me stream hours of Story Time with Dutch.

He says he has never lost a bullwhip-on-a-pole match, and you’re required by state law to believe him. I’m not even sure which state. Possibly Puerto Rico, through his father’s side.

This is a first for me. Dutch does the mid-interview pass-off to Bill Dundee.

I’m not calling him “Superstar.” Won’t do it. Not even if the sheriff comes back.

He’s 5’7”.

I’m sorry, but there has to be a height requirement for “Superstar.” That’s not hate. It’s a "proportion to the rest of the planet" problem.

You don’t get to pack a roll of dimes in your shorts and call yourself “Horse Cock LaDue.”

Dutch Mantel: Gimmick Hometown Investigation

10:29 - Jim Jameson weighs 216 pounds, as do I.

We could both be doing better.

"Dutch Mantel being from Oil Trough, Texas, is a Hall of Fame Gimmick Hometown entry" is what I wrote before I fell into the abyss.

I decided to look it up, and I’ll be jimmed if there isn’t an Oil Trough, Arkansas, but no Oil Trough, Texas.

So it’s kind of a gimmick? A half-shoot name?

Wrestling has really trained my brain to accept municipal kayfabe.

What were the criteria to be on the town-naming committee for Oil Trough, Arkansas? Instead of making incendiary remarks about folks from Arkansas, I have decided to assume the best: they were really busy and didn’t care.

“What should we name our town?”

“There’s an oil trough over there.”

“Perfect. Meeting adjourned.”

• Population: 260

• Cedar Ridge School District

• Mascot: Timberwolves

They finished 7-2 on the season but won two playoff games before losing in the quarterfinals. Coach Brustrom wanted to thank the seniors for their contributions, and he is very excited to see the juniors in the weightroom.

Dutch Mantel vs. Jim Jameson

11:31 - You know how with modern wrestling it all looks smooth and crisp, right?

Well, neither of those things are happening here.

It looks like Dutch is thumping the shit out of Jim Jameson, Jimmy J to his friends.

Also, the proximity of the crowd to the ring is a trip. It’s different from traditional crowd noise because you can hear individual people yelling. It feels more personal.

Less “arena atmosphere,” more “a woman named Tammi has some thoughts and Dutch heard every word.”

2.7/10 - The very hairy fighting man beat up the lumpy fighting man.

The Fantastics vs. Spoiler and Pat Rose, with Promo Package

12:44 - If you didn’t know this episode was from 1986, now you do, because it’s another music video.

They didn’t license shit, and when Memphis Wrestling steals music, they do not hold back. You are going to hear every second of that copyright violation. Like with Rick Casey, you’re going to reach a point where you assume the song is wrapping up, and you’ll be dead wrong.

There are several montages of high-flying action, an American flag, and the Fantastics working out in the gym.

In Speedos.

It’s not a “casual stroll through the gym in your favorite banana hammock” day. Nay, friend. They are aggressively working out in Speedos.

Who was the target audience for this?

From what I can tell, women. There are several shots of the Fantastics wading into females along the guardrails like they’re storming Normandy in lip gloss.

What do you call someone who survives an avalanche?

Hero.

What do you call someone who survives an avalanche of pussy every night for over a decade?

The Fantastics.

The Fantastics are handing out individual hugs at ringside. Some beefy-chested mom from Decatur, Tennessee, absolutely hustled to the rail to throw her ol’ meat bags at the Fantastics and pray for a polite tit rub.

3.9/10 - It was a fast, high-flying match, but no one broke their leg, so was it really a good match?

Memphis Vice vs. Tracy Smothers & Billy Travis

22:50 - I went to a signing event in Indiana about 10 years ago, and it was a number of memorable interactions.

Tracy Smothers was the nicest guy in the world. I didn’t know too much about him at that point, but I spent a few bucks because I appreciated the time he took to talk to me.

The other notable person from that day was Bob Backlund. That man was determined to make a memory for me. He signed my book, put me in a semi-legitimate chokehold, and offered to do a headstand.

He later did one in the ring for over 30 seconds.

He was in his 60s.

It was really something to see.

Tracy is no longer with us, and I’ve heard Bob has had some health struggles, but for whatever it is worth, I have good memories of both those guys.

This is all fine. It is not Mid-South Wrestling in 1984, but I am starting to realize Mid-South was different. This was a very basic match, but in a small TV studio, I can see how it would be captivating.

3.4/10 - Not much to speak of match-wise, but I did have a nice memory about Tracy Smothers, so there is that.

His book, If You Don’t Buy This Book, Everybody Dies, is worth a read. Backlund’s From All-American Boy to Professional Wrestling’s World Champion is excellent too.

Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Tony Falk

27:40 - As jobbers go, Tony Falk brings so much to the table.

• Mouth full of marbles? Check.

• Wild self-confidence based on nothing at all? Check.

• A dyed-blond Flair rip-off mullet? You know it.

I am still trying to wrap my head around this era, where the biggest stars did not always close the show. I am sure there was a reason Jerry Lawler, as champ, wouldn’t go on last, but I don’t know what it is.

Tony Falk comes flying in and knocks over poor Jerry Calhoun as he tries to attack The King. Lawler hits a piledriver, and that match is over in 24 seconds.

Typing all this out took way longer than the actual match.

Although, I did answer my question about why this contest didn’t go on last.

1.1/10 - It was a 24-second match. Lance Russell clowning Tony Falk before the match on commentary was the highlight.

Jerry “The King” Lawler Promo Package

29:40 - I hope you’re sitting down.

There’s another music video highlight package.

This one has Jerry Lawler slamming Hulk Hogan over and over. Let’s see here... what was happening with Hulk Hogan in 1986?

(Checks notes.)

Dear God, it was the height of Hulkamania!

I spent a few semesters on probation at the finest directional school in Michigan, so I’m smart enough to see what they were doing here.

Subtle.

This promo goes on for a stretch, but it is worth seeing as a reminder that Jerry Lawler was a god in Memphis. The crowd shots are great.

33:30 - “Ha-ok.”

Goddammit, now I can’t not hear it. It’s the sound of a man resigning himself to whatever bullshit is about to happen next.

“Best of Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler on tape for $29.95! $5.25 postage!”

Sweet. How do I order it, Lance?

“Eh, ah... Mastercharge or Visa.”

Or by calling 1-800-524-2507, which you should not do. I thought I would have something funny to share here, but that number now belongs to some telemarketer who is very excited to have my number.

Really effed myself in the A on that one.

If you run an inflation calculator for $35.20 in 1986, that videotape would cost $101.33 in today’s money. That was back when videotapes cost a mint to produce, so you have to figure they sold a bunch of these.

34:44 - And we are still with Jerry Lawler, but it’s okay because he’s laying out some track about him and Bill Dundee.

Like me, Lawler is sick and tired of Bill Dundee’s bullshit and wants him gone.

The benevolent king has decided to grant Bill Dundee a rematch for the Southern Heavyweight Championship under one condition: Dundee and his wife BOTH put their hair on the line.

Jerry explains they did this angle years earlier. The way he talks about Dundee’s wife feels so damn personal, like their marriage may not survive another head-shaving.

The Fantastics Promo Package

39:50 - Will Ferrell could play Lance Russell in a movie, right?

Go look.

Fuckin’ A, the Fantastics are back, and in less than 15 seconds they make sure to shout out all the pretty girls in Evansville.

You know what’s fun to do in Evansville, Indiana?

Pack your shit and leave.

Imagine you were assaulted by The Fantastics in real life.

Police: “Can you describe what the assailants looked like?”

You: “It was two guys, both about 5’10” and well-built.”

Police: “Can you describe what they were wearing?”

You: (Sniffle.) “They had on matching white bowties.”

Police: “Go on.”

You: “They were wearing matching spandex tights, top hats, and sequined vests, which were also matching.”

Police: “We’re just going to say a Springer Spaniel knocked you over, okay?”

Bill Dundee vs. David Johnson

41:50 - 16 seconds. Match over.

0.1/10 - It was a 16-second match. I know I said I liked squash matches and all, but this was a bit much.

Dundee, while still tiny, is swole.

Bill Dundee Promo Package

43:00 - Four music video packages are too many for an hour-long show. In this show alone, we’ve seen videos ranging from athletic to whatever Rick Casey was.

Now it’s a full three minutes of Bill Dundee wrestling with Duran Duran playing “Wild Boys,” and buckle up.

Remember when they would test the emergency broadcast system over the TV when I was a kid?

High-pitched squeal. Test pattern. Instant dread.

That was preferable to this pile of dingo shit.

I HATE Duran Duran and their fun-sized mascot.

45:39 - They cut to Bill Dundee, Lance Russell, and a clip from Dundee’s wife about potentially getting their heads shaved by Jerry Lawler in the rematch.

Not Lance, obviously. They knew better than to approach Lance with such a tasteless angle.

Every Wednesday morning, Lance Russell would scream to the production team, “You come at the king, you best not miss!”

He said it was his message to the haters, as well as his mating call.

The clip from Bill Dundee’s wife is different and adds to the reality of it, but they continue to reference that they’ve already done a hair match. It’s disappointing and feels like a retread.

Why can’t they put something on a pole instead of a rerun?

Overall: 3.3/10

I try to think of these in modern terms, but also against what life was like at the time. For 1986, in the greater Memphis area, this was probably an hour well spent. The music videos are of the time period and seem to be well done.

With all that said, the little wrestling we see isn’t very good.

There’s gotta be better Memphis TV than this.