By Coach B

1986 Memphis Wrestling - 1/4/86

Lance Russell is one magnificent son of a bitch. Dave Brown is riding shotgun, and I just found out he was also the local weatherman. That is honest to God impressive.

Don’t shit on weathermen either. I won’t have it. Our local guy is Keith Thompson. He’s a good man. People say, “Oh, they’re just guessing.” You and I wouldn’t know shit about the weather without our phones. We would be staring at the sky like a bunch of smooth-brained dolts. When Keith started, this job was actually hard. He was probably out there sweating over a protractor and a wind sock.

Rick Casey Promo Package

I go into one of these with certain expectations for a wrestling promo. Wrestlers? Yes. Ring? Sure. Multiple camera shots of horseback riding? I was not prepared.

They cut to Rick on a horse. Then they do it again. Then they do it a third time. I’m sitting there thinking there’s no way they go back to it a fourth time. They absolutely do.

Then we get Rick throwing up the metal horns, followed by a toddler throwing up the horns, followed by what appears to be Rick Casey humping the air. Smash cut to Rick and that toddler riding giant metal spring animals in the park.

Read that sentence again.

This video is a hostage situation. It will not end. There’s a clip of him chewing on a piece of straw. There’s a jug marked “XXX.” There’s a can of Skoal in his back pocket. By the end I came to the only logical conclusion: every single person involved was on enough cocaine to hear colors.

Rick Casey vs. The Invader

The crowd is quiet but paying attention. They make you earn it. I always love a big masked wrestler like The Invader, but I do wonder how you pick up appreciative female fans when your face is permanently covered. You’d probably have to bang her in the mask to prove it, wouldn’t you?

Rick Casey can move and he’s got the look. Rick Casey will get you pregnant. Or take you on a horseback ride. Probably both. Okay, both.

4.5/10

The “Ha-ok” from Lance Russell slays me. Said like a man who is going to plow through this shit for the 712th time. Lance is the best.

Dutch Mantel is back, thank God. He says he has never lost a bullwhip-on-a-pole match, and you’re required by state law to believe him.

Dutch Mantel: Gimmick Hometown Investigation

Dutch says he’s from Oil Trough, Texas. I looked it up. There is no Oil Trough, Texas. There is an Oil Trough, Arkansas. Population 260. Their high school mascot is the Timberwolves. Wrestling has trained my brain to accept municipal kayfabe as a normal part of life.

Dutch Mantel vs. Jim Jameson

You know how modern wrestling looks smooth and crisp? Yeah, none of that is happening here. It looks like Dutch is thumping the shit out of Jim Jameson while the crowd yells personal insults from two feet away. Less arena atmosphere, more “a woman named Tammi has some thoughts and Dutch heard every word.”

2.7/10

The Fantastics vs. Spoiler and Pat Rose

If you didn’t know this episode was from 1986, now you do, because it’s another music video. The Fantastics are aggressively working out in Speedos. Full gym montage. Full banana hammock commitment.

What do you call someone who survives an avalanche? Hero.

What do you call someone who survives an avalanche of ass every night for over a decade? The Fantastics.

3.9/10

Memphis Vice vs. Tracy Smothers & Billy Travis

I met Tracy Smothers at a signing years ago. Nicest guy in the world. Also met Bob Backlund that day, who put me in a semi-legitimate chokehold and then did a headstand in the ring for over 30 seconds. He was in his sixties. What a weird, wonderful day that was.

3.4/10

Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Tony Falk

Tony Falk: mouth full of marbles, zero self-awareness, and a dyed-blond Flair mullet. He gets piledriven in 24 seconds. Typing this took longer than the match.

1.1/10

Jerry “The King” Lawler Promo Package

Another music video. This one is just Jerry Lawler slamming Hulk Hogan repeatedly at the height of Hulkamania. Subtle.

Also, $29.95 for the Best of Jerry Lawler tape. That’s over a hundred bucks in today’s money. Lance was out here moving units.

Lawler cuts a promo saying he’s sick of Bill Dundee’s bullshit. He’ll give him a title shot, but only if both Dundee and his wife put their hair on the line.

Bill Dundee vs. David Johnson

Sixteen seconds. Match over. I know I said I liked squash matches, but this was a bit much.

0.1/10

Overall: 3.3/10

There’s gotta be better Memphis TV than this. The wrestling wasn’t good, but at least nobody spent 14 minutes walking to it.