High On: 1994 Eastern Championship Wrestling
by Coach B
Watching this episode just took me right back. I was 13, in the middle of Michigan, and our local cable provider was a total disaster. Seriously, trying to explain it to someone now? They wouldn’t believe it. Getting access to any new wrestling was a struggle, so the whole “after midnight” thing felt like this forbidden treasure.
I miss scrambled porn, softcore movies on the USA Network, and not Real Sex on HBO. That fucking show. More than one night was wasted waiting for Real Sex only to see old people playing shuffleboard ass naked. It was disgusting. I mean, sure, it still got the job done, but disgusting.
Have you tried finding a digital copy of Bikini Carwash Company II lately? It’s impossible, and don’t send me the DVD link. They did a terrible job transferring it from VHS. You know how some people think The Godfather Part II is better than the original? Well, a lot of us Carwash fans feel the same way.
Think I’m kidding? Check out this testimonial from fellow fan John J. Thomas III on Amazon back in 2012:
https://www.amazon.com/Bikini-Carwash-Company-II/dp/B003RF7E9U
“Also note that this is Bikini Carwash 2 the sequel to bikini carwash 1 which had mostly the same cast but I always thought the second one was the better one so I am happy it finally got released on DVD.”
Preach, brother.
And while you’re at it, this is a perfect opportunity to Google “Kristi Ducati.”
I’d seen ECW magazines at the local newsstand and heard all the rumors.
In ECW:
They set people on fire. (Kinda true, but that was more Cactus Jack in ’95.)
Chicks get naked. (Mostly true, or close enough when you’re 13.)
They have barbed wire matches. (Yep, they do.)
Thinking about it, ECW really did deliver the crazy shit on a regular basis. For those of us lucky enough to remember the pre-internet days, there was a real sense of wonder with smaller wrestling promotions.
This early incarnation of ECW wasn’t quite Extreme yet, but it still had a general vibe of Mickey’s Malt Liquor and “did someone forget to pay the electricity bill?” That’s early ECW.
I didn’t really know much about the history of wrestling at this point, but I did know the name Terry Funk. I had his LJN figure as a kid, but outside of that, I remember being pretty certain Terry Funk was out of his goddamned mind. I had never heard anyone talk like him before, with that usual cadence, his pitch going high and low within a second.
No one spoke like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DXslrmzqq8
If you are on the fence about watching yet another clip, just know he references “crackers” and “Haitians” in this work of art from 1987.
ECW Wrestling, 1/4/94
0:00 - The very first shot is Kevin Sullivan in a lime green banana hammock and Nancy Sullivan in a white bikini. Definitely setting the tone. What follows is a long 2:20 minutes of highlights with some seriously shitty canned music.
They definitely had better intro music than that, but Paul Heyman was probably violating some copyright somewhere and just playing songs without permission, so WWE left us with this.
The highlight package is kind of fun to watch on mute, but you’ll get fooled like three times thinking it’s ending, and it just keeps going.
(Speaking of which, I watched some AEW Dynamite. You guys like false finishes a lot. We get it. Just end the fucking match once in a while.)
2:20 - Joey Styles coming to us LIVE from Paul Heyman’s parents’ basement or a warehouse. I am a huge Joey Styles fan, always have been.
I hear rumors he says some wild shit these days. I don’t know. I guess. I have decided I don’t give a fuck anymore about the human being making the thing I like. At this point, anyone I admire has said or done some dumb shit, as have I. I wish I could say this is some moral stand, but in reality, I am too lazy and tired to care anymore.
Terry Funk Highlight Package
4:05 - The butchered phrase goes, “Wrestling may not be real, but Terry Funk sure as hell is.”
As a former NWA World Champion and legendary redass, Funk brought name recognition and legitimacy to a fledgling company. His hardcore style, honed over decades in Japan, aligned perfectly with ECW’s emerging violent-as-shit identity.
In a few short minutes we see Terry Funk:
-Cutting a promo on the first episode of ECW.
-In a Texas Chain Match.
-In a Bunkhouse Match that includes a fucking scaffold 40 FEET HIGH. Definitely not, but it’s wrestling.
-Terry Funk and Jimmy “Probably a Murderer” Snuka.
And I am just now realizing that this is not a normal episode of ECW Wrestling. It’s a highlight clip show.
Huh. Well shit.
You don’t want to read 3,000 words about the greatness of Terry Funk because you own eyes and a brain. You get it.
Terry Funk vs. Sabu
ECW Heavyweight Championship
16:40 - Sabu in ECW: human crash test dummy with a death wish.
“Hey, I wonder what happens if I land headfirst on this table?”
Smashes through table.
“Yep, really fucking hurts.”
He’d dive off anything, through anything, and generally treat his body like a disposable meat sack. I’m pretty sure his medical records just say, “consists of hamburger and sawdust, do the best you can.”
Paul Heyman did such an excellent job of selling guys like Sabu and Tazz as spectacles when in reality, they were average-sized guys. Sabu comes to the ring in full-on Hannibal Lecter gear and does an amazing job selling the “wild man” character, except that Sabu seems to actually be crazy.
He’s going to do a springboard moonsault that looks cool as shit, but he intentionally does it with no one there. We now accept these moves as commonplace and they often come off as rehearsed. That is not the vibe I get from Sabu. He goes as far as, “Look out, motherfucker!”
It’s between you and God after that.
An absolutely bonkers match, which features “lights out” before it was done to goddamned death. See, I didn’t even shit on AEW there.
7.6/10 - This is an out-of-control, wild-ass brawl that is everything ECW promised to its fans. Sherri Martel makes an appearance here at the end as shit comes completely undone.
“The Roughneck” Mr. Hughes, with Jason, Highlight
28:15 - Mr. Hughes does a few power moves with shitty music in the background. Weird nickname for a large Black man dressed in a suit, tie, and sunglasses.
2/10 - Moving on.
Pitbull / Chad Austin / Sandman Highlight Package
30:50 - I am trying to stay in the headspace of 1993 as I am watching an hour-long clip show with interviews sprinkled in. I am definitely enjoying this from a nostalgic standpoint, but watching this format and pace can be exhausting.
I once described my buddy Pete as consisting of “gristle and herpes scars.” He also tried to hook me up with a chick who had three kids at home with no heat in the dead of winter at their apartment.
Shane Douglas Promo / Highlight Package
34:15 - If you were not following ECW at this point, episodes like this would be confusing as shit. They are laying out tons of track for the brewing feud between Terry Funk and Shane Douglas.
I just realized this episode is throwing me because it is trying to do something different than modern wrestling shows. ECW is trying to get me in the door with the promise of seeing something unprecedented, and a lot of times they delivered.
Paul Heyman and Jason, Closing Promo
38:00 - It takes him a minute to get warmed up, but when he finally does, look the hell out:
“You just remember one thing, I’ve never signed an autograph in my life, I never cared what anyone thought about Paul E. Dangerously, and I’m the dude who has to keep Sabu under control!”
Not that you needed an excuse to hear Paul Heyman cut a damn good promo, but here you go.
Overall: 6.4/10
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I should have vetted this one beforehand. It was still very fun and a nice trip back in time, but this is more of a “refresher course” than a regular episode of TV.
I did enjoy seeing the foundation of what ECW was becoming. It wasn’t all the way there yet, but the pieces were obvious: Terry Funk as the violent old prophet, Sabu as a lunatic attraction, Joey Styles giving the whole thing credibility, and Paul Heyman already understanding how to make a small, dark, weird promotion feel like something dangerous you weren’t supposed to be watching.
For 13-year-old me, that was more than enough.