High On: 1989 WWF Superstars of Wrestling

by Coach B

WWF Superstars was a staple of my childhood viewing experience, and I loved it. I have unreasonable expectations as I dig back into this world. I was startled that Vince is hosting this episode because he is a pariah in a modern sense. I thought about all this as I watched the first episode of WWE Raw on Netflix. We went from squash matches in Cincinnati, Ohio to Raw on Netflix, available to anyone worldwide with an account, shared password, smoke signal, or other nefarious means.

How did Vince feel watching that episode without rationalizing anything he ever did? Is he proud to see what this creation has become? Does he see the new stories, camera angles, and newly pushed wrestlers and think, “Yeah, I could have done all that”?

I am probably never going to receive a satisfactory answer, but I wonder.

Side note: how awkward were the holidays for the McMahon family? Are there just massive long silences? Is everyone looking at their phones? “Did you guys see the news lately? Oh, wait. Never mind.”

1989 WWF Superstars

0:00 - Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura are on the call for this episode. Personal shortcomings aside, I always liked Vince on commentary, but I am also realizing I didn’t know any better. Episodes featuring Jim Ross and Lance Russell have reminded me of who else was out there during this time. Jesse Ventura was okay on Saturday Night’s Main Event a few weeks back. He’s 73, a military veteran, and a former governor. He is allowed to be a C-minus at this point in the game.

God, I forgot how cheeseball these intros were. To be timely, WWF would hone in on something newsworthy or local. They are in Cincinnati and reference baseball, Pete Rose, and gambling, so there is that. I’ve been to Cincinnati, and given all of my choices, I too would probably still reference Pete Rose, given the alternatives.

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka vs. Al Burke

1:30 - I can say I don’t like goofy wrestling names, but when the alternative is Al Burke, I will reconsider my position.

We start with “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, and it appears I am just going to deal with the ugly past today. Even as a kid, I never really thought every wrestler was a top-notch person. I had read enough stories over the years to know otherwise, but the Jimmy Snuka/Nancy Argentino story is tough to swallow by any measure. I would like to blame the excellent series Dark Side of the Ring for informing me about that tragedy. If you’re reading this, you probably already know the story, but yikes.

I don’t know what to do with any of these guys with troubled pasts, to be honest. We aren’t defined by our mistakes, which is great, but in the cases of murder, that is generally the first line on your resume. Anyway, he was a great wrestler and a terrible person who is no longer with us.

Jimmy Snuka was a bonafide superstar of that era by any metric you would like to use, minus a title run. Back to “having it” and whatever that characteristic is, Superfly has enough to go around. This isn’t a long match, but you can sense the buzz in the arena while the match is going on.

I watched some AEW over the weekend. Those crowds are weird. They’ll be hot for a minute, but there are long stretches where people are so quiet. I am not shitting on them or implying boredom, but there is some kind of disconnect with some fans. Are they on their phones like the rest of us?

3.0/10 - Superfly looked like a star in a short match. Points were deducted for the "alleged" murder.

Update with “Mean” Gene Okerlund

4:55 - The Update was a really big deal to me. First, you have the incomparable Mean Gene at the command center. Even as a kid, I trusted everything Mean Gene told me. Matches. Injuries. And where to send in “Letters for Hulk” when he was hurt, which were in reality used for the mailing list. This comes directly from Bruce Prichard, who seemed proud of himself when talking about it.

Does everyone remember Bruce on podcasts when he wasn’t working for WWE? Go back and have a great time. He was a hoot. I stopped listening because he sounded pissed off every episode and like he didn’t want to be doing it.

In a pre-internet world, we just had to believe that whatever Mean Gene was telling us was true. Wasn’t it better not knowing, or at least not being sure?

Mini-match recap of Tito Santana and Rick Martel

Shit man, Martel doesn’t get his due as an all-timer. I assume he topped out because of his promo/mic skills because it sure as hell wasn’t his ring work or physique. Probably because he’s French Canadian. I love Canada, awesome people. Then there are the “French Canadians,” and even the other Canadians are like, “Fuck those guys. They’re not one of us.”

This video clip is epic and nicely sums this all up:

https://youtube.com/shorts/ZxMJVGydD_M?si=U9zSLVDrnZJOHS5u

Also, I enjoy that Rick Martel doesn’t want to go into the WWE Hall of Fame. Good for him.

“You can keep your bullshit facocta Hall of Fame. I am all set.”

Boss move.

And Tito. He was another dude who was much better than I remember. Plus, he goes on to be a teacher and mentor in his community for decades. He has a super affordable Cameo. You can get a personalized message from Tito for $15. If not for yourself, do it for someone special in your life. He’s a decent man, so don’t request any butt stuff.

This entire clip is pretty damn fun. A huge melee breaks out with appearances by “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, Big Boss Man, and other gents my current condition prevents me from mentioning.

Two random things that always make me laugh:

8:00 - This clip has the commercials from 1989 still embedded, and treat yo’ self to a reminder of what douches we were.

I am not breaking down commercials, but just a heads-up: Kenneth Copeland would like to speak with you.

WWF World Tag Team Titles: The Brain Busters vs. Tim Horner & Warren Bianchi

10:15 - I don’t think this was really for the titles, but it ain’t gonna fucking matter. Arn and Tully look fantastic, and the un-juiced crowd is making some noise. Arn Anderson is a guy who resonated with me as an adult but not as a kid. Even back then, you have to think your average 40-year-old thought Arn Anderson was way cooler than most nine-year-olds. That bastard can still cook on his promos and wrestle an entertaining style.

Imagine some intern handing 1989 Arn Anderson a promo to memorize. Fun, right?

Tim Horner checks in. Okay, this is where the Cornette Effect takes hold of me. I can’t unhear all of the stories Corny has told over the years about the human clown show, Tim Horner. That’s the thing with Cornette’s stories. They are usually rooted in facts, backed up by a journal from that day, what he had for lunch, and the cost of a Ramada Inn that evening to bang an Arkansas ring rat.

This match is a bummer. It’s a fine TV match, but it makes me remember how short the run in WWF was for Arn and Tully. They wrestled such a different style than most teams in the WWF at the time. Arn was the technician, deliberate with every move. Tully was the jock from high school you hated, but now he’s famous. Tully cleaned his life up after the exit from WWF soon after here, always nice to see.

4.0/10 - The Brain Busters win with a spiked piledriver, and that pussy actually stayed down. Peak Jesse Ventura on commentary bumps up every score, and those tag belts looked sweet.

Survivor Series Promos with Sean Mooney

14:48 - Sean Mooney looks the same now, just a little grayer. Seems like a nice man.

Commercials followed, including one for Starting Lineups. I’m 43 and was way more excited than I had any right to be.

Recap: Saturday Night’s Main Event, Hulk Hogan vs. “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, with Zeus

19:22 - As an educator, the list of words I cannot spell is longer than it should be, but I spelled DiBiase knowing I didn’t need to check if it was right. Appropriate? It just took me three tries, and eventually Google Docs stepped in and put me out of my misery.

This specific Saturday Night’s Main Event was one I remember vividly. As kids, part of the fun for us was staying up extra late on a Saturday night. We didn’t have cable or pay-per-view, so this was our opportunity to see a “big card” on free TV.

Yes, this is the Zeus episode, and it made me remember something important: the match between these two was a hot circle of garbage. It’s also a reminder that kids are pretty dumb because I remember being emotionally invested in this.

Commercials followed, and the novelty was completely off unless you want to know where the largest trade fair off I-95 is located. It’s Renfro Valley. Exit 62, parking in the back.

Jim Evans vs. Dino Bravo, with Jimmy Hart

29:38 - Dino is knocking out push-ups with Jimmy “Forrest Gump” Hart on his back. Add Dino to the list of wrestlers that Dark Side of the Ring has ruined for me. I was way happier as a total mark.

All of these matches are essentially the same. The star wrestler does power moves to the jobber, Jesse says hilarious shit on commentary, and the match ends. None of it is godawful because there’s a spectacle element to what WWF was at this time. It all looks great, and for the time, they were using cutting-edge technology. It’s clean and slick with no emotion to anything they are doing.

More than anything, these matches are boring, but it’s an incredibly well-produced boredom. It’s a fine line, right? I lament the endless modern matches on AEW but cry about the boring 1989 WWF. I think in both cases, the middle ground is there.

Dino does power moves.

2.9/10 - It was a Dino Bravo match. If you’ve never watched a Dino Bravo match, start with a different one.

32:28 - See, some people would have you believe that the film No Holds Barred was a steamy flotilla of whale shit, but those people are wrong. Sure, it scored 10% with the critics on Rotten Tomatoes, but it was made for fans. Who also fucking hated it.

Either way, those people are also wrong. It’s such a fucking terrible watch, it starts to win you over. Impaired, not sober. No one is that brave.

https://youtu.be/loGPJh5sgHo?si=SgjD-eArssIK8X47

The Brother Love Show with “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes

32:42 - It dawned on me that none of this is for adults. I loved it because I was a kid, not so much as an adult. Even someone like Dusty Rhodes, one of the greatest ever, and they throw polka dots on him. It was obviously meant to make him look goofy, but he got it over. Even in this promo, it’s Dusty and all, but it’s not. It feels synthetic, shiny clean. Bruce Prichard and Dusty seemed to have fun together here, but even still, kind of blah.

The order I’ve watched episodes so far has altered my perception of wrestling from that era.

https://ringthedamnbell.wordpress.com/category/high-on/

1984 Mid-South isn’t better than this.

It’s SO much fucking better.

The reality, the sense of chaos, and the violence. None of these WWF matches are violent, and there is no sense of drama, but millions of us ate this shit up.

Even more commercials, which I am sick and goddamn tired of. Unless you’re in the market for a sleeper sofa from Hoover’s, which currently has discontinued models 60% off. Buy now and get 0% financing through April 1, 1990. Helluva deal.

Bill Woods vs. “Ravishing” Rick Rude, with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

38:35 - Finally something cool. As intros and walk-outs go, Rick Rude’s has to be on the list.

CUT THE MUSIC.

39:34 - “What I’d like to have right now is for…” except the camera has already cut to a crowd member before Rude even finishes his sentence. I’ve sat here for a few minutes trying to figure out how to describe these young men they cut to next. Let’s just say they did some scouting beforehand.

Rude is solid as always and looked like a bonafide star at the time. I am not sure he needed The Brain as his manager, but he fit the Heenan Family stable.

At the end of the match, a young lady from the crowd, who I am 97% sure wasn’t wearing a bra, was brought on stage for inspection from The Ravishing One. It went poorly for her.

3.7/10 - Rude was the great worker I remember, in a forgettable match.

-Commercials, and I am now on eBay looking at a used Nintendo Game Boy.

Craig Green vs. Ronnie Garvin

45:27 - As wrestling fans, I believe we all have wrestlers that we just don’t get. In modern times, for me it’s Seth Rollins. Talented dude who can talk, and I just don’t give a fuck. Ronnie Garvin has always been that for me. I never got it. He was a well-built guy who wrestled and was occasionally “Rugged.” Was Ronnie Garvin someone people paid to see? Feels like a hard no to me.

Craig Green takes a good-ass kicking.

No fire.

No emotion.

Greg Valentine in-window promo.

Goddamn riveting.

2.7/10 - How did I watch this shit?

Mr. Perfect vs. Paul Roma, with introduction by “The Genius” Lanny Poffo

48:26 - Lanny! You’re probably expecting me to make a joke about Lanny Poffo blowing himself, but I’m not gonna do it.

…

There had to be a stretching regimen involved, right?

Future Four Horseman Paul Roma here and it still looks fucking strange, while technically true. It’s like saying that between Bill Belichick and I, we have eight Super Bowl championships. While technically true, ain’t nobody counting that shit.

With those clowns out of the way, Mr. Perfect. Even in a nothing TV match against Roma, Perfect is out here bumping his ass off. Roma looks decent here, but it’s only because his opponent was, well, you know.

For all the shit Vince rightfully receives for the terrible gimmicks, Mr. Perfect was spot on for Curt Hennig. When Vince was correct, he fucking nailed it.

5.5/10 - I wanted to give it a 10, but no. It was easily the best thing on this episode, though. It makes me want to find matches from young Curt Hennig in AWA.

Commercials with a special appearance by Michael Landon. Yes, that Michael Landon.

Overall: 3.8/10

This was not a fun watch by today’s standards, but there was genius in what they were doing. These shows were nothing but promotional vehicles for live events and whore merchandise. Financially? I am sure it was lucrative. Creatively? Bankrupt. Corny. Childish.

I am beginning to see the resentment many feel about the WWF product from this time.